Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

If I see one more person texting while driving, I am going to roll down my window and throw my beer at them.

To understand paranoid people better, follow them around. Observe them. Write down notes.

I told a joke in my Zoom meeting today. It wasn't even remotely funny.

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

In a parallel universe people use Chrome to download Internet Explorer

I accidentally downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar app on my phone. Now my battery keeps draining.