Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel. Nerds take the edge off.

Day 44 without eating an apple... doctors are following me everywhere. the police are powerless to intervene.

Hippos can run faster than humans on land, and swim faster in water. This means the bicycle is your only chance at beating a hippo in a triathlon.

I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant because I believe in myself.

I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do, it's because I've missed my exit.

When I was skinnier, I had a shirt that said I could talk to dead people. I can't wear it anymore because I'm no longer a medium.