Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I sent that 'Ancestry' site some info on my family tree. They sent me back a pack of seeds and suggested that I just start over.

I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant because I believe in myself.

I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do, it's because I've missed my exit.

When I was skinnier, I had a shirt that said I could talk to dead people. I can't wear it anymore because I'm no longer a medium.

I ran out of toilet paper, so I started using the newspaper. The Times are rough.

My body just asked for water and I gave it a mini donut because nobody tells me what to do.