Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I was going to tell a joke about time travel but nobody laughed.

Listen... "8 glasses a day" is a just scare tactic used by Big Water to keep us all dependent.

After a short conversation, someone asked me if I was a nerd.
I said I preferred the term "smarter than you".

Hippos can run faster than humans on land, and swim faster in water. This means the bicycle is your only chance at beating a hippo in a triathlon.

I met a depressed bodybuilder today. He had nothing to lift for.

Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body.