Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

Wi-Fi went down for five minutes, so I had to talk to my family. They seem nice.

Used to sleep in one position for hours. Now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

Doctor: "I'd like to talk to you about your weight." Me: "Well, it was 25 minutes, but at least the chairs were comfortable."

I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift, but I couldn't find a manual.

I just broke my record for most days on earth. High five!

I have a five-year plan: figure out a plan in five years.