Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

Doctor: "I'd like to talk to you about your weight." Me: "Well, it was 25 minutes, but at least the chairs were comfortable."

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

My pipe dream was to become a plumber. Unfortunately, that went down the drain.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

You couldn't handle five minutes in my head.

My internet went down. By which I mean my neighbors changed their password.