Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I wanted to give my Uber driver advice instead of cash,
but that wouldn't be fare.

People say "I hate to bother you." Maybe they should learn how to hate it a little bit more.

We never really grow up. We only learn how to act in public.

I always make full eye contact when placing the stick that separates our groceries.

Piñatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you'll get what you want.

It's sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs.