Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I always second guess myself at a checkout line when the cashier asks "did you find everything?". Why are you hiding stuff?

I don't always tolerate stupid people. But when I do, I'm probably at work.

I don't always post on Facebook, but when I do, it's probably a picture of food.

When you said friends with benefits, I assumed you meant health and dental.

I am not always punny and sarcastic. I do sleep sometimes.

I always make full eye contact when placing the stick that separates our groceries.