Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

Used to sleep in one position for hours. Now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

Doctor: "I'd like to talk to you about your weight." Me: "Well, it was 25 minutes, but at least the chairs were comfortable."

I'm busy right now, can I ignore you later?

War doesn't determine who's right—it determines who's left.

I put my phone in airplane mode and now it calls me Shirley.

Wi-Fi went down for five minutes, so I had to talk to my family. They seem nice.