Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I've had a horribly busy day converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.

Science Tip: You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether it sees you later or in a while.

War doesn't determine who's right—it determines who's left.

I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes – and six months later you have to start all over again.

It might be called social media, but all I do is share photos and ignore people.

I like my money right where I can see it: hanging in my closet.