Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

Apparently I've been doing this "coffee" thing wrong. It wakes you up way faster if you accidentally knock it over into your lap.

A perfectionist walked into a bar...apparently, the bar wasn't set high enough.

I don't snore. I dream I'm a motorcycle.

Everyone I know is a 'snack getting stuck in a vending machine' away from total collapse.

Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.

Apparently, people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a "gym."