Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

The past, the present and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.

Before the Internet people thought the cause of stupidity was the lack of access to information? Yeah. It wasn't that.

The doctor says my cholesterol count is so high that I can't even say "cheese" when I get my picture taken.

Apparently I've been doing this "coffee" thing wrong. It wakes you up way faster if you accidentally knock it over into your lap.

Dear automatic flushing toilet... I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn't done yet.

I told a joke in my Zoom meeting today. It wasn't even remotely funny.