Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I was going to tell a joke about time travel but nobody laughed.

I sent that 'Ancestry' site some info on my family tree. They sent me back a pack of seeds and suggested that I just start over.

God created the world. Everything else is made in China.

I'm on a seafood diet. If I see food, I eat it.

My body just asked for water and I gave it a mini donut because nobody tells me what to do.

They've been treating me like one of the family, and I've put up with it for as long as I can.