Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I was going to put on a sock-puppet show, but I got cold feet.

I was going to tell a joke about time travel but nobody laughed.

If I see one more person texting while driving, I am going to roll down my window and throw my beer at them.

The best part of going to work is coming home at the end of the day.

Some people think I am going crazy. The joke is on them. I went there years ago, fell in love with the place and decided to stay.

You can't be late until you show up.