Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

BREAKING NEWS: The inventor of yodeling has died. Sadly, so did his little old lady too.

I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant because I believe in myself.

I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do, it's because I've missed my exit.

When I was skinnier, I had a shirt that said I could talk to dead people. I can't wear it anymore because I'm no longer a medium.

My body just asked for water and I gave it a mini donut because nobody tells me what to do.