Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

My boss said "You are late to work for the third time this week. Do you know what that means?" "It's Wednesday?", I replied.

I was going to tell a joke about time travel but nobody laughed.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

They really need to stock ATMs better. I went to 4 of them today and they all said "insufficient funds."

When you said friends with benefits, I assumed you meant health and dental.

I am not always punny and sarcastic. I do sleep sometimes.