Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I'm now at the age where if I see a nice nursing home, I make a mental note of it.

The nice thing about meditation is that it makes doing nothing quite respectable.

If you can't say something nice, say it on Facebook where no one reads past the headline anyway.

I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.

I always make full eye contact when placing the stick that separates our groceries.

Piñatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you'll get what you want.