Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I fell off a 20 ft ladder last night while working on my roof.
I am glad I was only on the first step.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.

I am not always punny and sarcastic. I do sleep sometimes.

Piñatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you'll get what you want.

Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can't see.