Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I hate when homeless people shake their cup of coins at me. It's like yeah, I know you have more money than me — no need to rub it in.

Did you know that there are more airplanes underwater than submarines in the sky?

People say "I hate to bother you." Maybe they should learn how to hate it a little bit more.

Do you know the worst part about books on rock climbing? Too many cliffhangers

If I see one more person texting while driving, I am going to roll down my window and throw my beer at them.

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer.