Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I was going to tell a joke about time travel but nobody laughed.

I sent that 'Ancestry' site some info on my family tree. They sent me back a pack of seeds and suggested that I just start over.

If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches?

Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

My body just asked for water and I gave it a mini donut because nobody tells me what to do.

It's rare that a defibrillator fails, but nobody's shocked when they do.