Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

When I was fired from my job as a stage designer, I just left without making a scene.

I am not always punny and sarcastic. I do sleep sometimes.

I've stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.

Apparently I've been doing this "coffee" thing wrong. It wakes you up way faster if you accidentally knock it over into your lap.

Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can't see.