Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

My coworkers accused me of having OCD, I immediately put them all in their place...

I used to work at Twitter, but now I'm an X-employee.

When I was fired from my job as a stage designer, I just left without making a scene.

Attempted to exercise this morning. Didn't work out.

Used to sleep in one position for hours. Now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

It's sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs.