Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I know I don't have to be sarcastic, but the world has given me so much material to work with. I would hate to be wasteful.

I don't know if my pants are feeling loose because I'm losing weight or the elastic is finally giving up the fight.

People say "I hate to bother you." Maybe they should learn how to hate it a little bit more.

If silly putty would have applied itself, it could have been serious putty.

I wouldn't exactly say I'm lazy, but it’s a good thing that breathing is a reflex.

I'm not clumsy. The floor just hates me