Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

People say "I hate to bother you." Maybe they should learn how to hate it a little bit more.

When I was skinnier, I had a shirt that said I could talk to dead people. I can't wear it anymore because I'm no longer a medium.

I hate when homeless people shake their cup of coins at me. It's like yeah, I know you have more money than me — no need to rub it in.

People who say "I hate to bother you" need to learn to hate it a little bit more.

1988: Don't get into a car with a stranger
2002: Don't meet people on the Internet
2018: Uber

If I see one more person texting while driving, I am going to roll down my window and throw my beer at them.