Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I tripped over a box of kleenex this morning. I was worried I sprained my ankle but there was only soft tissue damage.

I was going to take over the world this morning, but I overslept.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Attempted to exercise this morning. Didn't work out.

Apparently I've been doing this "coffee" thing wrong. It wakes you up way faster if you accidentally knock it over into your lap.