Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

Apparently I've been doing this "coffee" thing wrong. It wakes you up way faster if you accidentally knock it over into your lap.

If silly putty would have applied itself, it could have been serious putty.

I saw an elderly man at the supermarket collecting shopping carts. He must have been pushing 70.

Due to recent budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

Used to sleep in one position for hours. Now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

Someone has been stealing the wheels of police cars. Police are working tirelessly to catch them.