Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

Someone stole my bike, so I called the police, and they found the thief. He was arrested for peddling stolen goods.

Apparently I've been doing this "coffee" thing wrong. It wakes you up way faster if you accidentally knock it over into your lap.

If silly putty would have applied itself, it could have been serious putty.

I saw an elderly man at the supermarket collecting shopping carts. He must have been pushing 70.

Due to recent budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

Day 44 without eating an apple... doctors are following me everywhere. the police are powerless to intervene.