Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

My sarcasm only gets me in trouble when my brain-to-mouth filter is malfunctioning.

We never really grow up. We only learn how to act in public.

I've stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.

Only 273 fruit roll-ups to go until I get my full serving of fruit...

Hippos can run faster than humans on land, and swim faster in water. This means the bicycle is your only chance at beating a hippo in a triathlon.

The best part of going to work is coming home at the end of the day.