Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I know I don't have to be sarcastic, but the world has given me so much material to work with. I would hate to be wasteful.

I wanted to give my Uber driver advice instead of cash,
but that wouldn't be fare.

If silly putty would have applied itself, it could have been serious putty.

I wouldn't exactly say I'm lazy, but it’s a good thing that breathing is a reflex.

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight. There would be mass confusion.

Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? He was given two consecutive sentences.