Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

My sarcasm only gets me in trouble when my brain-to-mouth filter is malfunctioning.

what's the best way to fight capitalism? only use lowercase letters.

We never really grow up. We only learn how to act in public.

I've stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.

Apparently I've been doing this "coffee" thing wrong. It wakes you up way faster if you accidentally knock it over into your lap.

Only 273 fruit roll-ups to go until I get my full serving of fruit...