Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

People say "I hate to bother you." Maybe they should learn how to hate it a little bit more.

If I see one more person texting while driving, I am going to roll down my window and throw my beer at them.

My favorite color is purple. I like it more than blue and red combined.

I've just written a song about tortillas; actually, it's more of a rap.

Don't worry. If Plan A doesn’t work, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.

When I was skinnier, I had a shirt that said I could talk to dead people. I can't wear it anymore because I'm no longer a medium.