Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

People say "I hate to bother you." Maybe they should learn how to hate it a little bit more.

Listen... "8 glasses a day" is a just scare tactic used by Big Water to keep us all dependent.

I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life. It's an oughtobiography.

I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day. To be discovered.

Whoever determined a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.

To the person who stole my glasses - I will find you, I have contacts.