Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

When I was fired from my job as a stage designer, I just left without making a scene.

I sent that 'Ancestry' site some info on my family tree. They sent me back a pack of seeds and suggested that I just start over.

I ran out of toilet paper, so I started using the newspaper. The Times are rough.

I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes – and six months later you have to start all over again.

A sprinter was shot with a starter's pistol yesterday. Police say it's race related.

Nothing good ever starts with 'Got a minute?'