Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes – and six months later you have to start all over again.

I tripped over a box of kleenex this morning. I was worried I sprained my ankle but there was only soft tissue damage.

Apparently I've been doing this "coffee" thing wrong. It wakes you up way faster if you accidentally knock it over into your lap.

Come over to the dark side...we've got candy.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over.

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight. There would be mass confusion.