Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

People say "I hate to bother you." Maybe they should learn how to hate it a little bit more.

Don't worry. If Plan A doesn’t work, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.

If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches?

Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body.

War doesn't determine who's right—it determines who's left.

My goal in life is to have a Wikipedia page written about me. Maybe just a newspaper article. Ok, I'd accept a journal entry.