Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

After a short conversation, someone asked me if I was a nerd.
I said I preferred the term "smarter than you".

I don't like the term "dad bod". I much prefer "father figure".

"Lazy" is such a strong word. I prefer to call it 'selective participation.'

Whoever determined a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.

War doesn't determine who's right—it determines who's left.

My wife thinks I have a hard time verbalizing my emotions. Can't say I'm surprised.