Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I sent that 'Ancestry' site some info on my family tree. They sent me back a pack of seeds and suggested that I just start over.

People are out mountain climbing, and zip-lining, and I'm just happy I got my leg through my underwear without falling over.

Apparently I've been doing this "coffee" thing wrong. It wakes you up way faster if you accidentally knock it over into your lap.

Come over to the dark side...we've got candy.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over.

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight. There would be mass confusion.