Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners
After 20 minutes of being ignored, it's amazing how fast Home Depot employees show up when you try to start a chainsaw.
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Used to sleep in one position for hours. Now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Nine year old has disappeared after using mothers moisturizer that makes you look 10 years younger.
After a short conversation, someone asked me if I was a nerd.
I said I preferred the term "smarter than you".
Doctor: "I'd like to talk to you about your weight." Me: "Well, it was 25 minutes, but at least the chairs were comfortable."
A best friend is someone who clears your search history immediately after you die.
Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
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