Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I was going to tell a joke about time travel but nobody laughed.

My doctor told me I’m going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear...

My wife thinks I have a hard time verbalizing my emotions. Can't say I'm surprised.

I can't find a good time machine anywhere. They just don't make them like they're going to.

I grew up living paycheck to paycheck, but through hard work and perseverance, I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

For a while Houdini used trap doors in every act.
It was a stage he was going through.