Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I never should have given my actual email address to Swatch.
Now I'm on some sort of international watch list.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

People say "I hate to bother you." Maybe they should learn how to hate it a little bit more.

Apparently I've been doing this "coffee" thing wrong. It wakes you up way faster if you accidentally knock it over into your lap.

If silly putty would have applied itself, it could have been serious putty.

I saw an elderly man at the supermarket collecting shopping carts. He must have been pushing 70.