Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

A police officer came up to me yesterday and said, "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "Kindergarten."

Me: It's not how many times you fall, but how many times you get back up.
Cop: That's not how field sobriety tests work.

They say you are what you eat. In what did I eat anxiety and back problems?

The real trouble with reality is that there is no background music.

I once had an argument with a pen. It came to a draw.

I sent that 'Ancestry' site some info on my family tree. They sent me back a pack of seeds and suggested that I just start over.