Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

I always make full eye contact when placing the stick that separates our groceries.

I'm now at the age where if I see a nice nursing home, I make a mental note of it.

Nine year old has disappeared after using mothers moisturizer that makes you look 10 years younger.

My whole life consists of wondering whether or not to make the sarcastic comment.

Doctor: "I'd like to talk to you about your weight." Me: "Well, it was 25 minutes, but at least the chairs were comfortable."