Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I don't care how much you like the soap. Never leave a public restroom smelling your fingers.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

Who ever said "Out of sight, out of mind", never had a spider disappear in the bedroom.

Someone stole my bike, so I called the police, and they found the thief. He was arrested for peddling stolen goods.

Doctor: "I'd like to talk to you about your weight." Me: "Well, it was 25 minutes, but at least the chairs were comfortable."

I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant because I believe in myself.