Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

My Wi-Fi is faster than my motivation.

I'm not ignoring you — I'm just on emotional buffering mode.

Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver.

I love sarcasm. It's like punching people in the face, but with words.

I walk around like everything's fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

If you see this, please remind me why I walked into the kitchen.

Adulting level: one email away from quitting and moving to a forest.