Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

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I was going to tell a joke about time travel but nobody laughed.
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1988: Don't get into a car with a stranger
2002: Don't meet people on the Internet
2018: Uber
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Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
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What if UFOs are just Billionaires from other planets.
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They say you are what you eat. In what did I eat anxiety and back problems?
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Rhinos are just Unicorns that let themselves go.
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I picked up a book about a car, it's an auto biography
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Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.
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They really need to stock ATMs better. I went to 4 of them today and they all said "insufficient funds."
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The past, the present and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
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