Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

My bed and I have a special relationship. We're perfect for each other. But my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.

I don't need Google, my wife knows everything.

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.

I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.

They say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So now I drink in front of a mirror.

I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won't stop sending me vacation ads.

My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. I said '40.'

I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.