Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners
I always make full eye contact when placing the stick that separates our groceries.
The doctor says my cholesterol count is so high that I can't even say "cheese" when I get my picture taken.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around. Observe them. Write down notes.
Apparently I've been doing this "coffee" thing wrong. It wakes you up way faster if you accidentally knock it over into your lap.
Only 273 fruit roll-ups to go until I get my full serving of fruit...
If silly putty would have applied itself, it could have been serious putty.
Piñatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you'll get what you want.
Might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery, the odds are about the same.
I'm now at the age where if I see a nice nursing home, I make a mental note of it.
I saw an elderly man at the supermarket collecting shopping carts. He must have been pushing 70.